Dumped for GOD
Two bits of news are I'm going to share with you today. They both concern my friend, um, well, let's call her Maisy.
Friend Maisy has been dating Tall Boy for a few months now. Things were progressing nicely, except for this pesky Jehovah Witness problem. See, TB recently left the Church and their, say, interesting, weather issues.
And then it happened. The sky opened up and Maisy had her first orgasm from oral.
So what is her first reaction? She jumps up and says, "I need to call someone!!" And, she called me. Truly, amazingly proud of her, I asked her if she realized that TB has signed up for a life of servitude.
For Maisy to have this orgasm this way is momentous. It means that she is finally comfortable enough with her body. It means that something that used to freak her out is finally acceptable. It means that as she is more successful in life that she hasn't forgotten to be successful inside. It means that just when she thought she had sex figured out it threw her for loop and made her see that throughout her whole life, she's going to figure out so much more. I love that she is still blooming at 25 +4.
Unfortunately, Orgasm-Inducing Tall Boy screwed it up by going and dumping her for God. Yes, for God. He has decided to return to his Church and live life as a Jehovah Witness. She's not too crushed as this wasn't exactly surprising and as far as *I'm* concerned, he gave Maisy the gift she needed at this time in her life.
The funny part is that he called her a (gasp) SINNER. He said that she wakes up every day and plans to sin. She asked him, are you dumping me for GOD? And he said, yes, he can't be with her because she IS Sex and Sensuality. She is Sin.
And we who love her, are happily bowing down to the power that is Sin, Sex, and Sensuality this Saturday during a pseudo-game of poker at her house. Stay posted for pictures.
And now, for your Jehovah Witness pleasure, this message from Watchtower.org:
"There is only one true Source for standards of morality—the Creator of mankind, Jehovah God. Soon after creating the first man, Adam, Jehovah God laid this command upon the man: "From every tree of the garden you may eat to satisfaction. But as for the tree of the knowledge of good and bad you must not eat from it, for in the day you eat from it you will positively die." (Genesis 2:16, 17)"*
Did you hear that? Not just die from knowledge, you will POSITIVELY die. Does this mean you die with a good-natured smile on your lips? Are you holding a cup that is half full? Does Jehovah God differ from say, regular God, and is he more positively delightful?
"At 1 Corinthians 6:9, 10, we read the warning: "What! Do you not know that unrighteous persons will not inherit God's kingdom? Do not be misled. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men kept for unnatural purposes, nor men who lie with men, nor thieves, nor greedy persons, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit God's kingdom."
Reread this as Lil' Jon. What?? Okay!! What?? Okay, serious stop it. Lil' Jon is quite annoying when he's quoting Watchtowery Bible verses. From what I gather, Tall Boy left Maisy because either he was concerned that he had been transformed into a fornicator (for doing it and doing it and doing it again), or an idolator (for making her into SEX, the almighty goddess of lust), or a man kept for unnatural purposes (for his skill at oral loving, see above).
No matter what happens to Maisy now, she will never worry about her future boyfriends leaving her for some whore...because she's already been dumped for God. Who can top that? No one, brother. No one.
Friend Maisy has been dating Tall Boy for a few months now. Things were progressing nicely, except for this pesky Jehovah Witness problem. See, TB recently left the Church and their, say, interesting, weather issues.
And then it happened. The sky opened up and Maisy had her first orgasm from oral.
So what is her first reaction? She jumps up and says, "I need to call someone!!" And, she called me. Truly, amazingly proud of her, I asked her if she realized that TB has signed up for a life of servitude.
For Maisy to have this orgasm this way is momentous. It means that she is finally comfortable enough with her body. It means that something that used to freak her out is finally acceptable. It means that as she is more successful in life that she hasn't forgotten to be successful inside. It means that just when she thought she had sex figured out it threw her for loop and made her see that throughout her whole life, she's going to figure out so much more. I love that she is still blooming at 25 +4.
Unfortunately, Orgasm-Inducing Tall Boy screwed it up by going and dumping her for God. Yes, for God. He has decided to return to his Church and live life as a Jehovah Witness. She's not too crushed as this wasn't exactly surprising and as far as *I'm* concerned, he gave Maisy the gift she needed at this time in her life.
The funny part is that he called her a (gasp) SINNER. He said that she wakes up every day and plans to sin. She asked him, are you dumping me for GOD? And he said, yes, he can't be with her because she IS Sex and Sensuality. She is Sin.
And we who love her, are happily bowing down to the power that is Sin, Sex, and Sensuality this Saturday during a pseudo-game of poker at her house. Stay posted for pictures.
And now, for your Jehovah Witness pleasure, this message from Watchtower.org:
"There is only one true Source for standards of morality—the Creator of mankind, Jehovah God. Soon after creating the first man, Adam, Jehovah God laid this command upon the man: "From every tree of the garden you may eat to satisfaction. But as for the tree of the knowledge of good and bad you must not eat from it, for in the day you eat from it you will positively die." (Genesis 2:16, 17)"*
Did you hear that? Not just die from knowledge, you will POSITIVELY die. Does this mean you die with a good-natured smile on your lips? Are you holding a cup that is half full? Does Jehovah God differ from say, regular God, and is he more positively delightful?
"At 1 Corinthians 6:9, 10, we read the warning: "What! Do you not know that unrighteous persons will not inherit God's kingdom? Do not be misled. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men kept for unnatural purposes, nor men who lie with men, nor thieves, nor greedy persons, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit God's kingdom."
Reread this as Lil' Jon. What?? Okay!! What?? Okay, serious stop it. Lil' Jon is quite annoying when he's quoting Watchtowery Bible verses. From what I gather, Tall Boy left Maisy because either he was concerned that he had been transformed into a fornicator (for doing it and doing it and doing it again), or an idolator (for making her into SEX, the almighty goddess of lust), or a man kept for unnatural purposes (for his skill at oral loving, see above).
No matter what happens to Maisy now, she will never worry about her future boyfriends leaving her for some whore...because she's already been dumped for God. Who can top that? No one, brother. No one.
posted by Sugared Harpy at 8:45 PM
2 Comments:
Geez. how can you beat being dumped for God? Is that even possible?
Now, how can I call you Maisy and then you come right out as Christine??? Sinner!!!! From now on though, all emails will begin: Dear Sex,...
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