Goodbye, David

This past Friday, my mom's stepbrother, David, died of brain cancer. If my mother knew about this site, I would send her a deepfelt I'm sorry. I didn't really know him that well, but I know he suffered for a very long time with this.

However...

I'm completely pissed that I heard about this TODAY. Hey Lindy, I'm sure you're hearing about this for the first time here but, another family member died and we weren't told about it.

This is a repeated occurance in our family, on both sides. All kinds of people die and no one thinks Lindy and I need to know about it. We're not 4; we're pushing 30. Okay, I'm pushing 30. But still. Mom only emailed me this morning to get help from my dad as a pall bearer. (My mom's paternal family loves my dad...I guess it's because he boinked two of their daughters in succession. My mom's stepsister was the first person my dad moved in with after my parents separated. He was a pall bearer for my mom's dad too.)

I'm assuming the funeral is Thursday because she mentioned it for dad. Here's the exact email:

Melissa,
Please call your dad and tell him to call Grandma Rose. David passed away on Friday and Rose wants him to be a pall bearer for him on Thursday. Ok?

Love You!
Mom

What the fuck? No call ON FRIDAY of honey, I'm sorry to say that David passed away, here are the funeral plans. And the upbeat "Love You!" at the end is just strange. If I knew about this on Friday, I would have been there for my hurting mom.

A few years ago, a GRANDFATHER died and we didn't know about it for two years. Again, we weren't that close because he was our evil stepmother's dad but dammit, he was only of two people in the evil stepfamily that didn't openly hate us as children--sorry, as the foreign stepchildren. We were about 8 and 11 when they got married. But I DO talk to my dad with regularity so why didn't this ever come up? If you're wondering, yes, we should have known about it on our own. You know, one Christmas he's there and maybe by Easter he's not...but yeah, the stepfamily doesn't include us in their holiday/family plans. And our dad is not an advocate for us. We've tried including this part of our family in our life by inviting them to things, but they either a) they accept the invite but fail to show; or b) come and make the meanest, insensitive comments possible. However, dammit we do send Christmas cards to the grandparents-who-were-nicer-to-us, how come no one mentioned we should only address it ONE of them from now on?

so..

Dear Family,

Lindy and I, while much to your chagrin, are a part of the family. No matter how you fluid your definition of family is from one day to the next, we are generally a constant factor. Mom, Dad, you gave birth to us, remember? I know we are adults but your boyfriend or wife is not supposed to overshadow your children ENTIRELY, especially on the big things. We are both parenting children in a stepfamily situation now and know how things are. But the difference is that our kids are loved by all parties, and they always come first.

Mom, I know you chose to tell your boyfriend and forgot to tell us. Dad, I'm sure you just didn't know how to do it after the fact of forgetting to tell us when it happened. But forgetting is no excuse. Imagine how that must feel.

Love,
Melissa

Long and Lean

Just a note to all women:

Gap's "Long and Lean" jeans are the bomb. I bought two pairs last night, one in stretch fabric and one regular, not much difference except for a bit more movability in the stretch but I loved the darker color. Although I am neither long nor lean, these jeans transform my butt into a booty and I do indeed, look long and lean. And even though they say they're low rise, it's not enough to make me bellylicious (if you do not have a belly, this concept may be foreign to you. Secretly, I smite you a tad bit when you mention it out loud).

I fancy myself one fine M.I.L.F in my long and leans. From this day forth, you shall see me in said jeans at all times.

Lindy

It has been 1,243 days

and LINDY IS STILL NOT ENGAGED.

Miss Em is Fabulous

My Dearest Emily,
I can't thank you enough for being the most fun of my work day. You are guaranteed to make me think, talk about the greatest things, show me really cool stuff, pull out an amazing book, and make me feel like a million billion gazillion dollars. You are always welcome in my fourth floor Rapunzel tower.

Love,
Melissa

Home with the Children

I've been home with my kids for 3 days and I'm ready for work tomorrow, REALLY READY. They are great kids but after this morning, I can use some quiet time at the library at work. I woke up this morning to both boys crying hysterically as they fought over Daniel's sacred space that is his room. Now, every kid's room is their sanctuary but Daniel's room is his HOLY sanctuary and Brett is never allowed in it...at least, that's what Daniel thinks. This morning, Brett decided that he needed something out of Daniel's room and by God he was going to get it. Of course, neither relents and neither asks nicely for the other to budge, they just both go barreling at each other trying to strongarm their way in or get the other out. Naturally, this method didn't work and by the time I woke up they were in some serious tears. It took forever to calm them down enough to get them to work things out in a better way. I love my little boys but sometimes they are so intense. I need to go back to work tomorrow!

On a side note, my Information Systems husband (the technophile) did not realize that I had links in some of my posts on this blog. In particular, the blog about "Where the hell did that ho go" has a link in it that takes you a blog, that if followed, makes my post here more than sheer nonsense. Ok kids, this is a link: Click Me. Click it, see the Ho blog. If you see something in a post that looks like this, click it. Please.

Teacher's Pet Monkey

Today I was hired to teach Art History. to college students. beginning fall semester. seriously. Seriously fucking fabulous I'd say! It scares the bejesus out of me and let me tell you, my bejesus HATES to be out of me, but I'm so excited. I'm a real Art Historian I think. I've got the research gig and now a teaching job! I got a call last week to come in to interview today and by 1 p.m. I got the affirmative callback, a mere 2 hours after interviewing with the Art department. Okay, there's no pet monkey but I might aquire one by the fall. Ho.

A Little Sand in my Vagina...

Okay, maybe I just have a little sand in MY vagina, but it irritates me to no end that my mom's outfit for family get togethers is apparently a bikini and a shorty short sarong-thing that barely covers HER vagina. We've had several family get togethers lately and she's always in this getup. Seriously, ick. (Well, the heavy drinking bothers me a lot--she went all out and put her many Natty Lights in a glass today--but I can only deal with one thing at a time) It's not just that I, as her daughter, thinks it's ick but it's completely inappropriate when grandparents are there, great aunts and uncles, and like today, when her new boyfriend's mom and brother come over for the first time. Mind you, NO ONE else is in a swimsuit besides the children (she only has a kiddie pool, not a big person pool) and there will be no swimming by any adult. She is 51 and has the stretch-marked, sagging body of a 51 year old. Yes, she looks good for her age and no, she's not fat. But bikini in front of grandma and the future mother-in-law good? No.

One Little Monkey

Daniel has had a fever for four days. He's so upset that the has to miss school again, during his last week. I hate when he's sick! Nevermind that I'm missing work (I hate that), but I get to witness my baby Daniel's emotional reactions to being left out of things. Last night, the little monkey cried when Mike and Brett went to visit family in the hospital. He's so sweet. Then again, four days with Daniel and me locked in the house together...well, I hope he's better for his last day on Monday so he can say goodbye to his friends.

Since he's home, maybe he'll spend some time on his brand new blog, apparently it's on dragons: Dragonology

Where the hell did that ho go?

I came across this hilarious post at From the Pear in which the author helps her friend with French homework. I seriously need a friend to help me with my Italian and German like this. I have a feeling I would catch on much faster and retain so much more if I has someone introducing these fabulous associations to my readings. So, which one of you is my Italian ho? Oh ho? German ho? HO??

Shit, where the hell DID that ho go?

Lindy

It has been 1,233 days

and LINDY IS STILL NOT ENGAGED.

(Notice the un-silly picture. See how gorgeous she is?)

Reasons I should really work full time

I'm working three days a week and it would seem that would give me more time to get stuff done around the house. But, um, not exactly. Today's schedule:

1) I got up today at 2:00 p.m.

2) Then I ate a sandwich and my kitten wanted to nap again...so we did.

3) At 4:00 p.m., the kitten and I got up again.

4) I watched Oprah.

5) I showered at 5:00

6) I began dinner at 6:00, just in time for Mike to help me.

I feel this may not be the most productive use of my time.

Wow

I am very loved. Last night, I was treated to a surprise graduation party thrown by my sisters, Anne and Lindy. Everyone I loved was there. Anne, Lindy, Mike, Trish, Christine, Emily, Carrie, Sarah, Cindy, and Boy...THANK YOU! You are amazing, and beautiful, and I love you more than any of you know.

Hurray to me

The MFB (otherwise known as my thesis, lovingly called the Mother Fucking Bitch) is finished, signed, and packed off to the graduate school for publishing. For the first time in five years, I don't have any pressure-filled project or homework to do instead of playing with my boys. I love my work; I feel it's good work that suits me. The best part? I actually can't take my work home. Of course, the feeling that I'm finished hasn't hit me at all. By the way, call me Master.

Hey, a Post!

I have to apologize to anyone who's reading my blog. I haven't been posting with any regularity this week; it's REVISING THE MOTHER FUCKING BITCH AND WRITING 2 PAPERS BY WEDNESDAY week.

So far, I've got my revisions and one paper down. I need to write one more by tomorrow morning. Kids, see what happens when you procrastinate? Pressure = Creativity and Inspiration.

Congratulations!

Today, Mike's brother Jason got married!!! The wedding was beautiful, my boys and hubby were in tuxedos, and Jason absolutely beemed the whole time...unless he was crying and then we all cried with him. Another two virgins lost. Seriously, they were virgins until tonight. The getaway car was covered with condoms, drawings of sperm, the generous use of the word "Virgin," and other really gross things that I didn't want to see even as I craned my neck to see more of it. Ick and Ick. The part that sucked was that these two are pretty religious people so there was NO BOOZE and NO DANCING at the reception. Mike didn't know how the hell he was going to get laid tonight if I wasn't drinking and I kept half expecting a large faction to run over the next county to dance to "Footloose." (p.s. I created the bouquets)

One of the coolest aspects is that we just got a new sister, Tammy. To the new Mr. and Mrs., we love you both.




Gratuitous Daniel picture:

I Don't Wanna

(please read in your best Mad TV "Stuart" voice)

Mama no, I don't wanna revise my thesis. Nooooo. I wanna cookies instead.

Family

My family issues are probably as atypical as they are typical for everyone else. Yesterday, two of my little problem areas decided to crop up all in one day. Just excellent.

Number One: We have dinner at Mike's parents' house every week because they watch our kids a few times after school. They always assume we are staying for dinner and although I know it is so nice of them to make dinner for us, the tension that tends to live there is exhausting. One brother in particular is at the same time the most fun and the most horrible with me. He's an overgrown 10 year old who somehow got to be 20 without his parents treating him any differently than they would a child and he acts like one a lot of the time. He tends to be short with my boys, which does not sit well with me, and then he turns just plain nasty. Last night, he did it again. This time he thought Brett was eating too many strawberries (what the fuck?) and then grabbed his arm to stop him from taking another. I DO NOT like this and while Mike gently said something, this brother looked at me and yelled at me...I left the table, cried in the living room for a moment, and then just went home. Mike gathered the kids and followed. My emotions cannot handle any foolish idiots yelling at me right now and his family will not talk this kid about grabbing Brett and for yelling at me at all. That pisses me off.

Number Two: The DTN struck at Daniel's violin concert, also last night. I love my mom, and she's an amazing Nana to the boys, but she is hard to be with in public sometimes. No fucking wonder my sister and I still have issues with knowing how to act socially or what etiquette rules apply in situations. Our mom is completely oblivious to social conduct rules. During Daniel's concert, while he's playing, his Drunken Teenage Nana is singing out loud and tickling Brett so he screeches and encouraging him to run amuck in the bleechers. I can only do so much with my mom siding against me. All of this after the orchestra teacher explicity requests silence from the parents so the kids playing don't get distracted. Naturally, as a kid the DTN is so fun to play with but damn, she completely disregards what Daniel needs or what I need or what Brett needs just to be fun. I hate being the parent to my mom and having to shush her every 2 minutes.

Ok, the rant is over. I love you all if you actually read this far.

A+

If anyone out there would like to write a fantastic, grade A paper on Turkish identity and the exhibition at Topakpι compared to a Versailles exhibition, send it to me pronto. I have a solid thesis for the paper but for some reason, I can't quite get the paper finished. Help!

Thank you in advance by the one who would REALLY like to graduate.

Topakpι is pretty though.

Lindy

It has been 1,217 days

and LINDY IS STILL NOT ENGAGED.

Note

Watching the South Park episode, "It Hits the Fan," again tonight, I noticed a particular phrase. It stuck with me. Lucky you. The whole episode involves saying "shit" uncensored. They say it 162 times and there is a counter on the screen. That is not what I'm talking about. Naturally, I noticed the vagina.

Cartman repeatedly announces that Kyle's crankiness is due to "having a little sand in his vagina."

That, my friends, had me laughing out loud by myself at home. I hope none of you get any sand in your vagina...I'm going to be calling out that shit.